“One more story!” “I’m thirsty.” “Can I tell you something?” “I’m not tired!”
If these bedtime negotiations sound familiar, you’re not alone.
For many families, bedtime can become the most stressful part of the day. After navigating work, school, childcare, meals, and the general busyness of family life, everyone is running low on patience and energy. What should be a calm transition into sleep often becomes a cycle of repeated requests, frustration, and emotional exhaustion—for both parents and children.
The good news is that bedtime doesn’t have to feel like a nightly battle. Research consistently shows that children sleep better when bedtime follows a predictable, calming routine. These routines not only help children fall asleep more easily but also reduce bedtime resistance, improve emotional regulation, and strengthen the parent-child relationship (Mindell et al., 2018).
Why Does Bedtime Feel So Hard?
Children rarely resist bedtime simply to be difficult. Instead, bedtime resistance is often linked to developmental factors, sensory needs, difficulty with transitions, or a desire for connection after spending the day apart from their parents. When children become overtired or overstimulated, their nervous systems can actually make it harder for them to settle. Add in repeated negotiations, and bedtime can quickly become stressful for everyone.
Studies have found that parental stress and bedtime resistance often reinforce one another. As bedtime becomes more challenging, parents naturally become more stressed, which can make maintaining consistent routines more difficult (Larsen et al., 2021). Rather than focusing on “winning” bedtime, it can be helpful to think about preparing your child’s body and brain for sleep.
Think of Bedtime as a Gentle Landing
Imagine asking an aeroplane to land immediately after flying at full speed. It simply doesn’t work. Children need time for their nervous systems to gradually slow down. A structured wind-down routine provides predictable sensory experiences that help the body shift from active play to restful sleep.
For many children—particularly those who are sensory seeking or easily dysregulated—a sensory-based routine can make a significant difference.
A Five-Phase Wind-Down Routine
Phase 1: Heavy Work (15–20 minutes)
Heavy work activities provide proprioceptive input, meaning they activate the muscles and joints. This type of sensory input is often organising and calming because it gives the brain clear information about where the body is in space.
Choose two or three activities, such as:
- Bear walks, crab walks or frog jumps
- Pushing a laundry basket filled with books
- Carrying cushions to build a cosy “nest”
- Wall pushes (10 slow pushes)
- Wheelbarrow walks
- Pulling a weighted wagon or sturdy box
- Carrying toys to their storage bins while helping tidy up
The goal is calm, purposeful movement—not energetic games or competition.
Phase 2: Calming Movement (10 minutes)
Once the body has had an opportunity to work hard, begin slowing the pace with gentle movement.
Ideas include:
- Rocking in a rocking chair
- Slow swinging (if available)
- Toddler yoga
- Gentle animal stretches
- Slow dancing to quiet music
Simple yoga poses children often enjoy include:
- Child’s Pose
- Cat-Cow
- Butterfly Stretch
- Starfish Breathing
These activities encourage slower breathing and relaxation while gently calming the vestibular system.
Phase 3: Deep Pressure (5–10 minutes)
Many children find deep pressure particularly soothing.
You might try:
- A “burrito wrap” in a blanket
- Gentle pillow squishes (always led by your child’s comfort)
- A firm lotion massage
- A predictable back rub
- Rolling a therapy ball over the legs and back
Every child is different. If your child doesn’t enjoy deep pressure, simply move on to the next step.
Phase 4: A Warm Bath or Wash (10 minutes)
Warmth naturally helps prepare the body for sleep.
This might include:
- A warm bath
- A warm washcloth over hands and face
- Dimmed bathroom lighting
- Soft voices and minimal stimulation
Try to keep bath time calm rather than turning it into an energetic play session.
Phase 5: A Predictable Connection Routine (10 minutes)
Sometimes what looks like bedtime resistance is actually a child seeking one last moment of connection. Creating a simple, consistent sequence helps children know exactly what comes next while filling their emotional cup before sleep.
For example:
- Pyjamas
- Brush teeth
- Two books
- One song
- One cuddle
- Lights out
Keeping this routine the same every night provides predictability and security.
Reduce Bedtime Negotiations
Some children are wonderful negotiators. The more we explain, persuade or debate, the longer bedtime becomes.
Instead of relying on repeated verbal reminders, consider using a simple visual bedtime routine with pictures showing each step:
- Heavy Work
- Bath
- Pyjamas
- Books
- Song
- Sleep
When your child asks for another book or another cuddle, calmly point to the chart and say:
“Books are finished. Next is our song.”
Visual schedules reduce the need for repeated discussions and help children understand what to expect without feeling they need to negotiate.
Remember: Connection Comes Before Correction
One of the most powerful ways to reduce bedtime battles is to spend a few minutes fully connecting with your child before sleep.
Reading together, singing a favourite song, talking about the best part of the day, or sharing a cuddle can often meet the emotional need that’s hiding beneath repeated requests for “just one more thing.” Children who feel connected often find it easier to separate at bedtime.
Progress Takes Practice
Like any new routine, change doesn’t happen overnight. Children thrive on consistency, and it may take several weeks before a new bedtime routine begins to feel familiar. There may still be difficult evenings, but staying calm, predictable and responsive helps your child learn that bedtime is safe, consistent and restful.
Remember, the goal isn’t to create a perfect sleeper. The goal is to support your child’s developing nervous system, reduce stress for the whole family, and end each day feeling connected rather than exhausted.
References
Douglas, P., & Richman, N. (2000). A systematic review of treatments for settling problems and night waking in young children. BMJ, 320(7229), 209–213. https://doi.org/10.1136/bmj.320.7229.209
Larsen, K. L., Erp, L. A., Jordan, M., & Jordan, S. S. (2021). Bedtime Routines of Young Children, Parenting Stress, and Bedtime Resistance: Mediation Models. Child Psychiatry & Human Development, 52(6), 1123–1133.
Mindell, J. A., Williamson, A. A., et al. (2018). Benefits of a bedtime routine in young children: Sleep, development, and beyond. Sleep Medicine Reviews, 40, 93–108.
Ramadan, R., et al. (2021). Defining and measuring bedtime routines in families with young children: A Delphi process for reaching wider consensus. Sleep Health, 7(2), 247–255.
Schaaf, R. C., & Mailloux, Z. (2015). Clinician’s Guide for Implementing Ayres Sensory Integration®: Promoting Participation for Children with Autism. Although focused on sensory integration practice, this text provides evidence-informed guidance on the use of proprioceptive and deep pressure activities within occupational therapy.
by Nicola Van Zyl