Times have changes so much from the ‘good old days’ when our parents were drilled and threatened (or worse) into good behaviour. Nowadays, all the experts emphasise the importance of praise to moulding a child’s behaviour. But how do we avoid praising our children to the point of having spoilt, selfish and emotionally insecure children (who can’t handle a small bit of criticism)?

Praise can be as harmful as it can be helpful, depending on how it is used. A child who is praised inappropriately or indiscriminately can develop an inflated sense of importance (for example, a child who is constantly told they are clever may believe they are exceptionally gifted and therefore do not need to study). They may learn to depend on this praise and be unable to work without it (such as a young person who expects you to praise him for tidying his own bedroom). They may also have a hard time dealing with criticism if they are only used to hearing about all the things they did well.

How, then, do we make sure the praise we use is constructive, building on a positive but realistic self-esteem and shaping behaviour to develop mature, independent and stable members of our society?

The most important “trick” to using praise constructively is to make sure praise is honest and clear. Avoid the “good boy” praises that come so automatically to parents these days. They say absolutely nothing to the child about what makes him a good boy, and they are frequently handed out so often that the child feels that just breathing makes them a “good boy” (or the opposite, they loose their meaning because they are just common-place sayings).

Honesty is most definitely the best policy when using praise. If a child feels he has not done a good job on something, but they get praised for it, they are learning that praise is just something that is said, and not something that can be relied upon (and obviously, this can also have consequences for a child’s trust of their parents’ words). Contrary to current popular belief, it is ok to (occasionally) admit when a child did not do something well (as long as this is tempered with love and a realistic understanding of what is appropriate for that child’s age and skills). Just don’t forget to praise them for what they did well too.

The next important thing to remember about praise is to be clear. The “good boy” phrase says virtually nothing to the child. It is far more effective to praise a child with a clear description of what they did well, i.e. “you were a good boy for tidying up your toys”. This links the praise with the skill directly and makes it clear to the child what he has done that deserves praise.

And finally, and by no means less important, is to consider what you want to achieve out of the praise. If you hope to raise your child’s self-esteem, the “good boy” praise may (and I say that lightly) do the trick. But if you want to help your child develop skills, praise becomes a more focused and conscious task. Think first about what you want your child to learn (e.g. to be responsible). Then pepper your praise with this skill (e.g. you were very responsible for packing away your toys in the correct boxes” or “you were very responsible when you remembered to switch the bathroom light off”). This takes practice, but it can be applied very effectively to any skill you would like to help your children learn.

Obviously, younger and older children alike benefit from constructive praise. While a 5 year old may be praised for being responsible for his toys, you may instead be saying to your 16 year old “because you were responsible in coming home on time last week, you may go out with your friends again this week”.

While this kind of praise does not necessarily come naturally to us, it can be developed with practice. Take some time to think about the values you want your child to develop and practice using clear, conscientious praise for these specific skills. And, as we tell our children often enough, practice makes progress.

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The sense of touch is arguably the most important of all our senses. It is the first to develop and the last we lose.  Research has shown that touch-deprived infants fail to develop, their immune system is compromised and they may even die. Adults too, seek intimate physical contact and our need for touch strongly influences our behaviours.

However, touch is little understood, seldom discussed and often misused which has serious repercussions on mental health. The legal system has seen fit to legislate the use of touch in order to protect children, to such an extent that people in contact with children have become afraid of lawsuits and avoid touching children altogether. The result is a confused society where teachers, friends, relatives etc… are afraid to show affection in the conventional way, leaving children lacking in hugs, kisses, a backrub or a natural caress. 

Neuroscience has shown us that our development is largely dependent on hormone productions and too many stress hormones can leave us dull and joyless. However, physical contact releases hormones which protects our nerves from damage and supports brain growth and emotional well-being.

Connecting or Severing Touch

Children need to be “seen”; they need to know that we are aware of them, we value who they are, love being in their company, understand them and will always be there for them no matter what. Long before they understand language, a child’s first experience of being ‘seen’ is through touch. We need to connect with our children when we touch them, touch their hearts and provide a healing balm that will make them resilient in the face of life’s storms. This is what I call “connecting touch”; it is the most critical element in establishing a strong caregiver-infant bond.

Although touch has incredible healing and connecting power, it also has the power to hurt, shame, destroy and disconnect. I call this ‘severing touch’, as it separates the recipient from the one doing the touching. Children who have been not been touched enough, in order to become ‘tough’ or those handled roughly or in anger, have learned that their bodies are of little worth and they are at risk of becoming abusive (of others and themselves). They often have a poor self-esteem which puts them at risk of maladaptive coping mechanisms (such as self-hate, self-harm or eating disorders), numbing (such as becoming emotionally detached) or drowning their feelings (in substance abuse). Sometimes they ‘let out’ their feelings on others, resorting to bullying behaviours. Others become extremely driven in order to “show them”. They perceive themselves as unworthy of affection and strive for excellence in order to be appreciated. In other words, “severing touch” can deprive someone of the joy of life and meaningful relationships.

Children need a person who they can connect with through using touch in a rewarding manner. This means that one must be ‘tuned’ into the child, understand what touch he enjoys and what he tries to avoid. Carefully watching non-verbal cues allows you use “connecting touch”, however, this is only possible if the child wants to be touched, in other words if he has pleasant memories of previously being touched and he trusts the person touching him. Therefore, never force touch on a child who is not ready; begin by getting him to accept non-threatening contact (e.g. high 5’s, a pat on the back, a hand on his shoulder etc…). Breaking down barriers in a child reluctant to be touched requires patience and understanding, however, do not give up on trying to connect.
There are many ways in which you can touch your child. Of course the most common way parents connect with their children is trough hugs and kisses. Try and make your hugs firm and last for at least 3 seconds, (try it out with your partner or other people to see how you feel when hugged for this length of time). A quick hug is ok, at the beginning, but the connection is stronger when hugging your child ‘thoroughly’. However, never extend the hug to the point where the child feels restrained or constricted.

Hugging is not the only way to connect to your child, you can use “connecting touch” whenever you take care of your child, brush his hair lovingly, rub creams on his body in a soothing, caring way, put your arm on his shoulder or rub his hair. Try out as many ways you can think of, that will not be perceived as invasive to your child. Remember, touch your child with your eyes: when he speaks to you, stop what you are doing, turn your body to face him, and really listen. He needs to feel you listened first before you can set boundaries or disagree.

A Word of Caution

Be aware: remember touch can be experienced as severing; here are a few pointers to help prevent that:

• Rough and tumble games are fun and a healthy way to connect with others, however, they can get out of hand, they can shift the balance of power, and children can feel threatened by loss of control. Always remember that touch in any form must be used to build relationships, connect us and never sever.
• Tickling is a common way in which we interact with children, however, despite our good intention; tickling can “hurt” a child significantly. Tickling causes uncontrollable laughter, giving the impression that the child is enjoying the game; however, children can easily get overwhelmed, feel helpless and overpowered. Carefully watch your child when tickling, give him frequent breaks so he can say “stop” or  “enough” and wait for the child to ask for “more” before carrying on. Don’t use tickling as a distraction, it disempowers a child. Remember laughter does not necessarily mean consent; tickling should be fun for both parties and only one of many ways in which you connect with your child.
• People differ vastly in how they interpret sensory input (stimulation received through our senses). Some children are more sensitive than others and what appears as harmless to most of us is experienced as dangerous, frightening or overwhelming. When touching children we need to be aware of the individual difference in how each of us responds to tactile stimulation. Therefore it is vital that you carefully monitor your child’s responses and adjust your touch to be a pleasurable experience perceived as ‘safe’ by your child.

Safe Touch

There are many ways in which you can use “connecting touch” with your child. For instance, blowing raspberries all over his body, nibbling his fingers, riding on your back, playing catch and giving a big hug whenever you catch your child…. Always let your child lead the play and be in control. If you are ‘tuned” in to your child you will notice when he becomes overwhelmed, in which case stop immediately, have a drink together and read a story together.

Physical play is a wonderful way of connecting with your child, as long as he initiates or enjoys the play. With older children, especially boys, as they grow up they may get embarrassed by being seen hugging or touching. This is the time to find a way to connect that is acceptable to your child as he enters his teens (e.g., ruffle his hair, a friendly hand on his shoulder or a light slap on his back…), but remember touch is important at all ages, we never outgrow the need to connect physically with our loved ones.

Conclusion

Children love to be close to their parent;, they need the contact and our guidance to connect effectively with us. Be playfully persistent if you need to overcome barriers, and build your child’s trust through your interactions. Touch is by far the most powerful way in which we relate to others. It has the power to connect us or sever us from the world and others. As parents we are given the great gift of reaching our children through touch while at the same time teaching them to connect to others effectively. This opens the barriers of communications, builds trust, connects us to others and provides us with the resilience we need to face life’s challenges.

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“Janie runs away from the room with her hands covering her ears when I turn on the vacuum cleaner”
“Aaron dislikes touching and being touched. When someone wants to shake his hands, he immediately crosses his arms with his hands under his arms.”
“Aoife gets immediately sick when she feel the scent of any perfume, however mild it may be”

These are just some examples of over-responsivity to different stimuli. Sometimes it is also called Sensory Defensiveness and is nothing more than a much quicker and more intense response of the brain to stimuli received from one of the sensory senses. This may occur with one sense or in a combination of two or more.

Children with over-responsivity can be challenged by transitions. The smallest change is often an enormous stress to readjust, so these children avoid all kind of changes. They can be simple things such as going to bed or going from inside the house to the car. This avoidance happens because the children with these difficulties try to create a comfort zone avoiding the over stimulation coming from the outside world. Changes disrupt this effort.

When challenged by changes or in face of an “aggressive” stimulus, the child’s reactions are usually cries, shouts and all sorts of tantrums.

Sensory based Occupational Therapy is recommended with these children to improve their modulation (“analysis”) of the “aggressive” stimuli from the surrounding environment.

An interesting book to read is “Sensational Kids” by  Lucy Jane Miller where this and other topics are approached.
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• Children with sensory integration difficulties will benefit from a predictable schedule. Try to spend a few minutes in the morning discussing the plans for the day.

• Children with difficulties can easily become overwhelmed by too much visual and auditory input. By controlling the environment you can help the child to stay within his ‘just right’ level, enabling him to be more organized and focused. For example, limit the amount of unnecessary visual material you have hanging on the walls and ceiling, keep the light on when watching television, use only one electrical appliance at a time and play calming music such as Mozart during quiet time.

• Hard work activities provide deep pressure that has a calming and organizing effect on the child. Try activities that involve pushing and pulling. It is a good idea to ask your child to help you with everyday tasks such as moving furniture when cleaning, carrying heavy parcels close to the body, pushing the trolley when shopping, sweeping, mopping and wiping surfaces clean.

• Eating crunchy or chunky food, chewing gum or sipping water from a bottle with a straw will also have a calming and organizing effect on the child. Try to include crunchy and chunky food such as apples, pears, and crunchy cereal during breakfast.

• Children often make it clear what their sensory systems need. For example, a child who jumps or spins around is telling you he needs activities that will allow him to do this in a safe and socially acceptable environment. At home you can create these opportunities for your child during playtime, by play wrestling, jumping on a trampoline or bed, creating fast-moving obstacle courses, etc.

• For the child who becomes over-stimulated by the environment, provide opportunity for ‘time-out’ to help him regroup and become organized. Examples of ‘time-out’ can be a few minutes in his room listening to calming music or lying under a table or bed with pillows. Remember: ‘time-out’ should be taken by the child when he chooses, not given by an adult as punishment.

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Play is the work of children. Through play, children learn about themselves and the world around them. The best learning occurs when a child’s experiences are pleasurable, satisfying and safe. Recent research highlights the significant difference motivation makes on the brain’s ability to change (called neuroplasticity).

Which means…
if we want children to really learn, we need to make the learning motivating and fun.

Here are a few ideas on how to introduce elements of fun into any learning environment (remember you are only limited by your imagination!):

• • Use messy play: children love to make a mess and its amazing what you can draw in fingerpaint, sand, custard,  chocolate pudding, flour, water and anything else that can be sloshed, spread or just thrown around. (Don’t forget tidying up is learning too)
• • Textures: Add textures to make life more interesting. Draw shapes or letters in sand, seeds, sugar, flour, whipped cream, cooked pasta, styra foam etc. Try put sandpaper or towels under paper while writing, place sponges in bath or use rough and smooth towels.
• • Music and movement: Use fun, funky, lively music and dance or jump or do other movements while you learn your spelling and timetables.
• • Imaginative Play: Turn the room into a pirates ship, forest, jungle, ghost house, seascape, space or even a dinosaurs’ cave. A few old sheets, broomsticks, pillows, bunk beds, clothes, coloured paper, flashlights all go a long way towards setting the scene.

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Making (and committing to) decisions can sometimes be a very challenging task for children. And yet, it can also be a very important skill for children to develop. As an adult, we have to make numerous decisions every day, some based on interest (what shall I watch on TV this evening?), others based on practical or economical reasons (which brand of toilet paper shall I buy?) While children do not need to make such monumental decisions such as which brand of toilet they should buy, developing the skill to make such decisions (and other even more monumental ones such as what to study) takes many years, and many bad decisions along the way.

Some children, however, find this task even more daunting. Even tackling the simplest of choices can pose an insurmountable challenge. Why would these children find this so difficult? There could be many reasons. Confidence and faith in their own ability could hold a child back and make them cautious to commit to a decision. Difficulty sorting out the important factors in situations can make it hard to solve problems and thus, make decisions. Lack of experience in a variety of situations can also influence a child’s confidence and ability to make decisions.

What then, can you do to support your child’s decision making skills? Firstly, create as many opportunities as possible for your child to make decisions. Remember, little choices for little children. Choices or decisions can range from what colour T-Shirt they would like to wear, to which book they want to read, to what the family will eat for dinner. Small decisions, which affect only themselves, are easier to make than bigger decisions which will affect others, so build these up slowly.

Begin by offering choices that all have successful outcomes and where the decisions do not have negative consequences. Choices on colour, for example, typically have no significant consequence. Also, begin by offering choices between two or three items, rather than open-ended questions. Asking whether a child wants fish fingers and chips or spaghetti bolognaise is easier to answer than asking what they want for dinner.

Recognise and acknowledge all decisions, pointing out particular reasons why they are good decisions. Even if a decision is perhaps not the best one, offer positive feedback to your child about the positive elements of a decision and steer a decision to a more appropriate one. For example, recently, I asked my 5 year old son what he would like to give his grandfather for Christmas. He suggested that a camera would be a good idea. While praising him for thinking of his grandfather’s particular interest in photography, I pointed out to him how expensive a good camera would be and steered him towards choosing an accessory for his camera instead. Throughout the exchange, I emphasised how well-thought his choice was. 

Praise them for making decisions. It is more important for them (as young children) to make decisions than to make the right decisions. The good thing about childhood is, for the most part, most of the poor decisions children make do not have significant or long-term consequence. They may choose to take a toy to school and it gets lost, or they may choose to sneak the cookie out the cookie jar, but none of these are likely to lead to real loss, bereavement or jail-time. So, even if your child made a poor decision, praise them for making the decision, although you may want to use this as a learning opportunity about why they should make a different decision next time.

A final thought to leave with: children need to practice decision-making often in order to learn how to make good decisions. We can help them with this by creating opportunities for them to make simple choices and offering encouragement and praise for any aspects of decision-making they have done well.

A child who believes in himself and has developed a degree of self-reliance is more likely to be able to cope with life's inevitable difficulties, achieve his full potential and enter into and sustain meaningful relationships.

However, a child who remains dependent on external sources for the maintenance of self-esteem will find misfortunes much more difficult to handle and will invariably use another's actions and reactions to define himself.

What is self-esteem?

Self-esteem is about feeling lovable and feeling competent. Some children appear to place little value on their abilities and often deny their successes. They find it difficult to set goals and problem solve. Many give up trying and consequently perform below their academic and social capabilities. Their self-limiting beliefs become a self-fulfilling prophecy. Their thoughts, attitudes, emotions, behaviours, motivation, interest, participation and expectations of the future will be significantly influenced by their level of self-esteem. 
Children with appropriate self-esteem:

• • Are less likely to experience self-doubt, fear and ambivalence.
•  • Have a greater capacity to be creative.
•  • Are more likely to assume active roles in social groups.
•  • Are more likely to move realistically towards personal goals.

Building a healthy self-esteem

There is much that can be done to help children to build and maintain a healthy self-esteem in the face of life's many challenges. Adults play a vital role in this and their communication with children needs to be clear, unambiguous, non-judgmental and unconditional.  We need to show that we respect their opinions, value their participation, and believe they have a significant role to play and that we are interested in them as individuals. We need to encourage them to recognize their successes, allow them to work at their own level, set realistic goals and self evaluate successfully.

If a child is prepared to accept his own strengths and limitations, then he is likely to accept responsibility for developing and learning. He will try to improve on, and manage, his limitations, believing that he is solely responsible for the changes within himself.
Sylvia Milford

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Fear is a natural part of a child’s development that stems from our self-preservation. Unfortunately these instincts are sometimes not effective in our modern social structures and may lead to maladaptive behaviours which can have a severe impact on a child and his entire family. Children need responsive adults to help them with their overwhelming emotions, so that they can learn how to recognise them, respond appropriately and in time manage them on their own. If they remain fearful, their world will seem frightening, unpredictable and dangerous, and they will feel impotent, helpless and unable to cope. They develop a fear of life, instead of a love of life and begin to avoid unfamiliar situations and people. This deprives them of valuable learning experiences and social interactions necessary to their physical, intellectual, emotional and social development.

Neuroscience tells us that learning takes place by forming many neural connections in the brain and is aided by the production of hormones. Too much stress hormones (e.g. cortisol, adrenaline…), that are not being compensated for by ‘feel-good’ hormones (e.g. serotonin, dopamine…) can impact on children’s ‘world-view’ and relationships throughout life and leave some children with a trigger-happy fear response system. The effect of fear is significant; it can cause physiological responses (increased heart rates, sweating, stomach aches etc…) and children develop defence/coping mechanisms to protect themselves. Often children will respond by withdrawing, having imaginary friends, hiding behind computers or staying in bed. Some may even run away from home or school. Other behaviours are, among others, hyper-vigilance, eating disorders, bed wetting and sleeping disorders. Some children attempt to feel more powerful, by displaying bravado, taking risks, joining gangs or bullying others. In an attempt to feel in control of their environment they may develop compulsive or obsessive behaviours, or escape in fantasy play. These self-help solutions bring temporary relief, but are harmful to children in the long run. Being alone is beneficial to everyone in order to recharge and rejuvenate our creativity, however, when the need to be alone is motivated by a wish to escape, it can result in isolation. Children may begin to avoid challenges and exploration and miss out on experiences that promote healthy development; fear blocks the ability to think and learn.

Be sensitive to your child’s needs. If fear continues to prevent your child from enjoying a full life, in spite of your efforts, it is time to seek professional advice. The earlier problems are tackled, the better the prognosis for your child. Obsessive behaviour and rituals, in particular, need professional interventions and some fears need careful healing to bring lasting relief. If children are not helped it can have long-term effects, delay their development, and threaten their mental health. These can impact severely on their quality of life and that of their loved ones.

The good news is that there are things that can be done to help children and since the brain has the capacity to form new neural connections throughout life, it is never too late to help children or even adults. Art and storytelling are wonderful tools to unlock a child’s inner world. Remember to keep calm, use plenty of humour and encourage every step your child takes in the right direction.

• Help your child understand that his feelings are as important as the feelings of others. Help him understand them and find the right words to express them; this can develop a life-long stress-management system. Tell him that it is very courageous to talk to a grown-up and ask for help in dealing with his fears.

• Teach your child that making mistakes is ok, as it promotes learning and everyone makes mistakes.

• Explain to him that facing difficult situations ‘alone’ is not good, but rather to look for a helpful adult to face these ‘together’. This adult can help the child talk to another frightening adult and help him express what is frightening him and how that can be changed. Use phrases such as “…(name)… When you do …(shout/frown etc…), I feel …(emotion word)… I would like you to …(speak softer/calm down etc.)…”  The important thing in helping your child is to move him from a feeling of powerlessness to a feeling of empowerment. Your child has the right to defend himself against being frightened and intimidated; help him to say ‘NO’ or ‘STOP’. Help him to do so by teaching him how to assert himself. Assertion is not the same as aggression. Assertiveness is not about giving in to blind rage but standing up against injustice and setting clear boundaries without putting other people down and infringing their rights.

• Find an area (no matter how small) where your child feels in control and not frightened. He may be good at maths or reading. Or he may excel at sports or craft. If so, use these to help your child feel empowered.

Protect your child against abuse: Some adults explode when confronted; your child needs help with these adults.

Using imagery in a fun way can be very effective. The power of imagination cannot be over-emphasised. It allows children to rehearse possible solutions in their mind, fine-tune them, discard some and expand on others.

• • Tell your child to imagine his ‘FEAR MONSTER’, let your child draw it or use play-dough.
• • Make as many monsters as possible (the scarier the better), then explore what your child would like to do to these. (Scribble over them, paint their mouth or eyes closed, smash play-dough monsters, rip them up etc.) This can be very empowering to fearful children. Ask your child if any monster reminds them of something or someone frightening, let him draw a friendly monster that he can befriend and ask to help him with frightening things.
• • Let your child draw a frightened self and a non-frightened self, explore the differences or ask him to draw his nightmare and show how it ended and draw it again with a better ending.

With the help of these fun activities, you can do much to help your child, remember that you are his strongest supporter. You can do much to empower your child, so that he does not need to be controlled by his fears, but can become confident and tackle life joyfully.

Many children experience life as overwhelming: they are plagued by worries which significantly affect their well-being. These crop up in their daily activities, in their thoughts, feelings and behaviours. They often show up in the body, such as headaches, stomach trouble, sweating, heart palpitations etc… They can rob children of their vitality and take-over their emotional world. Often, anxious children will avoid stressful situations which can limit important life experiences vital to their development, mental health and ability to function well in adulthood. Many parents are at a loss on how to help their children. However, bear in mind that while it is difficult to change established worry behaviours, with support and perseverance it is possible. The following tips may prove helpful in conquering what I call the ‘worry monster’:

The first thing to keep in mind is that worries are very real to your child; they flood his brain with stress hormones (e.g. adrenaline), making it difficult if not impossible to “snap out of it”, “rationalise it” or “get over it”. To shift a child from a ‘feeling’ state into a ‘thinking’ state the brain needs to counteract the stress hormones with ‘feel good’ hormones (e.g. serotonin). Worries are exhausting to your child, sap his energy and zest for life and take a lot of attention which interferes with learning and having fun. If your child is very ‘hyped up’, use vigorous exercise such as running, kicking a ball etc. Then teach your child relaxation techniques and make him visualise his favourite memory or place. Remember that play is the language of the child; your child will find it difficult to express in words how he is feeling, so avoid questions and advice and rather use play, art and imagination to allow your child’s expression of his worries

Here are some ideas on how to conquer what I call the ‘worry monster’:

• Remember the story of Jack and the beanstalk? Planting a little bean seed can grow into a great beanstalk if given enough attention. Worries are like that too, give them too much attention and they begin to grow!. Help your child imagine his worry as a little bean, (you can even plant one and watch it grow). With the right amount of love and attention, plenty of water and sunshine, and you will soon be growing beans. More than you can deal with; there is only so much you can do with beans, once you have exhausted the bean soup/salad/vegetable dishes you  may resort to jam and may even start making bean pudding and ice-cream! (Use excessive fun imagery; children respond well to these). However, if you ignore your beans (i.e. worries), give them less attention; do something else… they shrivel up and die.

• Teach your child to visualise the ‘WORRY MONSTER’, the mean creature sitting on his shoulder whispering lies into his ears. Let the child draw it or use play dough, then talk to it, telling it to ‘bug off’, “go away”, throw it into a lake, off a mountain or trample on it. Or maybe he looks just like a dark cloud, obscuring the sun and preventing your child to be light hearted and enjoy life. This cloud can be blown away. Don’t fall into the trap to continue answering the same questions over and over again. Remind your child that worries lie; they convince him that something terrible will happen although this is very unlikely in reality. Fight back, flick the monster off and do something fun, this can prove empowering and put your child in control. Just like exercise strengthens muscle, practicing “anti-worry techniques” makes the child more resilient to worries.

Remember, that there is much you can do to help your child, with sensitive support, distraction, fun and imagery you can tackle the 'worry monster' together and empower your child to face his life with confidence and joy.

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When children become bullies, parents are often at a loss on how to manage this challenging behaviour. Understanding why children resort to bullying tactics can be useful in helping children conquer what I call the “Bully Monster”, that is the monster that drives a child to frighten and hurt other children.

Being a child often means being powerless in a world that can appear very threatening. When children are deeply hurt they close up to protect themselves from emotional pain and they develop defence mechanisms. They put a tough shield around their hearts because not caring/feeling is easier than caring/feeling too much. Unfortunately by keeping out all feeling, they also keep out the good feelings that make life so much more rewarding. These children are difficult to be with, and even the most well-meaning start looking for warmer places to be. Often these children bring out negative responses in others and are met with disapproval, reprimand and punishment. This only serves to reinforce their need to “not care” / get “tougher”, thus withdrawing increasingly into a place where they become unreachable. Parents and teachers begin to despair on how to connect with these children. Children who close their hearts are desperately hurt and do not know how to ask for the help they so desperately need.

There are many reasons why children feel the need to protect themselves against unmanageable emotional pain, and it is difficult to pinpoint the exact reason. Often they feel that their emotional needs are not met or that they are unworthy of love. It does not actually matter whether the reasons are real or perceived; the child feels the pain in the same way and it is very real to him. Shame is a significant attack on a child’s developing sense of self and often adults are not even aware that the child experienced a situation as shaming or humiliating. In our culture we often focus on ‘toughening’ children up, particularly boys, long before they are emotionally ready. Where there are too many power or control based interactions children do not feel safe to express feelings, they fear being seen as weak and vulnerable.

Frequently children who bully have once felt so deeply hurt by their own unanswered emotional needs that they cannot bear to see need in others. By re-enacting their own experiences of being shamed, punished or treated insensitively they experience some relief. Attacking the person who caused the hurt, can result in being loved even less, therefore it is easier and safer to attack someone weaker. Having the power to hurt others can be very liberating after having felt helpless and can act like a drug. Our basic human need to have an effect on another is so strong, that we prefer to have some impact (even if it is negative) than none at all. Our self-esteem is based on knowing that we are somebody rather than nobody. Children who bully often feel that if they cannot evoke positive feelings they can at least evoke negative ones (even if it is fear or hate).

The good news is that due to the ability of our brain to learn new ways of responding right throughout our lives, it is never too late to help children who have closed their heart. Bullying is about having power, power over someone. When children are helped to experience power “with” someone, rather than over another, they can begin to experience the joy of togetherness, relating and sharing. In day to day life, rushing to get everything done, we often fall into a pattern of issuing directions and disapproving when things go wrong. However, when we focus on praising children rather than criticising bad behaviour and show real interest in everything they do, no matter how trivial it seems to us, we can break the defences that children have developed and conquer the “Bully Monster”.

Always be sure that you separate the child from his  behaviour; he is not what he acts out to be. The task is to reach the child below his self-protective shell! When bullies are with someone they trust, they can think and understand why they have become bullies, this is very empowering and they begin to see themselves as not just a monster, but as someone who has a lot to give.

Here are some ideas that you could convey to your child:

• • It is not brave to have no feelings and never cry; it is brave to feel even if you may be hurt. You could use the example of a discoverer venturing into difficult, scary places rather than staying on safe ground.
• • Something bad may have happened to you at some time, and you may have started to act out, however this can get you into trouble and spoil your life.
• • Many children are unaware of how they are perceived by others. By gently showing them, perhaps with the use of action figures or puppets, children can visualise different ways of relating. Play out scenarios with your child in which children are having fun (going out together, camping, hiking, making a sandcastle etc…) as well as in which they are not having fun and their play has been disrupted by fighting.

With the use of art and stories children can experiment with their feeling and try out a variety of scenarios, solutions and endings. Avoid questions, children cannot verbalise answer easily. Here are some ideas to enable your child to explore his feelings and develop more self-awareness (these should be done in many sessions, always stop before the child tires and closes up):

• • Tell your child a story about a cactus (or a rose bush), how the thorns protect the most precious parts but also keep out the good experiences. Use drawings, modelling in clay / play dough, puppets or action figures to play out various scenarios your cactus has encountered.
• • Let your child draw or model a monster, let him add tendrils, barbs etc… Encourage your child to gently break through these defences to find the real, hurt, frightened being behind them.
• • Draw a shield/armour to show how you protect yourself from being hurt. Now draw another one showing what others do, or how else you could protect yourself. Gently explore with your child the following: what is good/bad about each protection? What would happen if you took the armour off, what would be good/bad about it? Who can see the real you behind the armour? Who only sees the tough you and thinks that this is all you are? Is there someone you feel safe enough with that you don’t need to use the armour?
• • Talk about or read a story about power, (fairy tales are full of them). Draw a picture about bad power, draw one about good power. (E.g. Darth Vader vs. Superman).

At all times show your child sympathy and understanding of why he felt he needs his strong defences, (approve his expression of feelings, but not necessarily his way of dealing with them). Above all give your child time and space, His defences have developed over a long period of time and it will take time for him to learn new ways to handle his strong feelings. You cannot break his defences for him, but they will begin to crumble once he has been shown consistent understanding.  Children are resilient and with the help of the above ideas, you can help repair a child’s broken heart and discover the joys of loving and living.

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