Times have changes so much from the ‘good old days’ when our parents were drilled and threatened (or worse) into good behaviour. Nowadays, all the experts emphasise the importance of praise to moulding a child’s behaviour. But how do we avoid praising our children to the point of having spoilt, selfish and emotionally insecure children (who can’t handle a small bit of criticism)?
Praise can be as harmful as it can be helpful, depending on how it is used. A child who is praised inappropriately or indiscriminately can develop an inflated sense of importance (for example, a child who is constantly told they are clever may believe they are exceptionally gifted and therefore do not need to study). They may learn to depend on this praise and be unable to work without it (such as a young person who expects you to praise him for tidying his own bedroom). They may also have a hard time dealing with criticism if they are only used to hearing about all the things they did well.
How, then, do we make sure the praise we use is constructive, building on a positive but realistic self-esteem and shaping behaviour to develop mature, independent and stable members of our society?
The most important “trick” to using praise constructively is to make sure praise is honest and clear. Avoid the “good boy” praises that come so automatically to parents these days. They say absolutely nothing to the child about what makes him a good boy, and they are frequently handed out so often that the child feels that just breathing makes them a “good boy” (or the opposite, they loose their meaning because they are just common-place sayings).
Honesty is most definitely the best policy when using praise. If a child feels he has not done a good job on something, but they get praised for it, they are learning that praise is just something that is said, and not something that can be relied upon (and obviously, this can also have consequences for a child’s trust of their parents’ words). Contrary to current popular belief, it is ok to (occasionally) admit when a child did not do something well (as long as this is tempered with love and a realistic understanding of what is appropriate for that child’s age and skills). Just don’t forget to praise them for what they did well too.
The next important thing to remember about praise is to be clear. The “good boy” phrase says virtually nothing to the child. It is far more effective to praise a child with a clear description of what they did well, i.e. “you were a good boy for tidying up your toys”. This links the praise with the skill directly and makes it clear to the child what he has done that deserves praise.
And finally, and by no means less important, is to consider what you want to achieve out of the praise. If you hope to raise your child’s self-esteem, the “good boy” praise may (and I say that lightly) do the trick. But if you want to help your child develop skills, praise becomes a more focused and conscious task. Think first about what you want your child to learn (e.g. to be responsible). Then pepper your praise with this skill (e.g. you were very responsible for packing away your toys in the correct boxes” or “you were very responsible when you remembered to switch the bathroom light off”). This takes practice, but it can be applied very effectively to any skill you would like to help your children learn.
Obviously, younger and older children alike benefit from constructive praise. While a 5 year old may be praised for being responsible for his toys, you may instead be saying to your 16 year old “because you were responsible in coming home on time last week, you may go out with your friends again this week”.
While this kind of praise does not necessarily come naturally to us, it can be developed with practice. Take some time to think about the values you want your child to develop and practice using clear, conscientious praise for these specific skills. And, as we tell our children often enough, practice makes progress.
by Catherine Milford