Many children experience life as overwhelming: they are plagued by worries which significantly affect their well-being. These crop up in their daily activities, in their thoughts, feelings and behaviours. They often show up in the body, such as headaches, stomach trouble, sweating, heart palpitations etc. They can rob children of their vitality and take-over their emotional world. Often, anxious children will avoid stressful situations which can limit important life experiences vital to their development, mental health and ability to function well in adulthood. Many parents are at a loss on how to help their children. However, bear in mind that while it is difficult to change established worry behaviours, with support and perseverance it is possible. The following tips may prove helpful in conquering what I call the ‘worry monster’:
The first thing to keep in mind is that worries are very real to your child; they flood his brain with stress hormones (e.g. adrenaline), making it difficult if not impossible to “snap out of it”, “rationalise it” or “get over it”. To shift a child from a ‘feeling’ state into a ‘thinking’ state the brain needs to counteract the stress hormones with ‘feel good’ hormones (e.g. serotonin). Worries are exhausting to your child, sap his energy and zest for life and take a lot of attention which interferes with learning and having fun. If your child is very ‘hyped up’, use vigorous exercise such as running, kicking a ball etc. Then teach your child relaxation techniques and make him visualise his favourite memory or place. Remember that play is the language of the child; your child will find it difficult to express in words how he is feeling, so avoid questions and advice and rather use play, art and imagination to allow your child’s expression of his worries
Here are some ideas on how to conquer what I call the ‘worry monster’:
- Remember the story of Jack and the beanstalk? Planting a little bean seed can grow into a great beanstalk if given enough attention. Worries are like that too, give them too much attention and they begin to grow!. Help your child imagine his worry as a little bean, (you can even plant one and watch it grow). With the right amount of love and attention, plenty of water and sunshine, and you will soon be growing beans. More than you can deal with; there is only so much you can do with beans, once you have exhausted the bean soup/salad/vegetable dishes you may resort to jam and may even start making bean pudding and ice-cream! (Use excessive fun imagery; children respond well to these). However, if you ignore your beans (i.e. worries), give them less attention; do something else… they shrivel up and die.
- Teach your child to visualise the ‘WORRY MONSTER’, the mean creature sitting on his shoulder whispering lies into his ears. Let the child draw it or use play dough, then talk to it, telling it to ‘bug off’, “go away”, throw it into a lake, off a mountain or trample on it. Or maybe he looks just like a dark cloud, obscuring the sun and preventing your child to be light hearted and enjoy life. This cloud can be blown away. Don’t fall into the trap to continue answering the same questions over and over again. Remind your child that worries lie; they convince him that something terrible will happen although this is very unlikely in reality. Fight back, flick the monster off and do something fun, this can prove empowering and put your child in control. Just like exercise strengthens muscle, practicing “anti-worry techniques” makes the child more resilient to worries.
Remember, that there is much you can do to help your child, with sensitive support, distraction, fun and imagery you can tackle the ‘worry monster’ together and empower your child to face his life with confidence and joy.
For ease of reading, all instances of he/his/him should be interpreted as meaning any gender.
by Sylvia Milford