Fear is a natural part of a child’s development that stems from our self-preservation. Unfortunately these instincts are sometimes not effective in our modern social structures and may lead to maladaptive behaviours which can have a severe impact on a child and his entire family. Children need responsive adults to help them with their overwhelming emotions, so that they can learn how to recognise them, respond appropriately and in time manage them on their own. If they remain fearful, their world will seem frightening, unpredictable and dangerous, and they will feel impotent, helpless and unable to cope. They develop a fear of life, instead of a love of life and begin to avoid unfamiliar situations and people. This deprives them of valuable learning experiences and social interactions necessary to their physical, intellectual, emotional and social development.
Neuroscience tells us that learning takes place by forming many neural connections in the brain and is aided by the production of hormones. Too much stress hormones (e.g. cortisol, adrenaline…), that are not being compensated for by ‘feel-good’ hormones (e.g. serotonin, dopamine…) can impact on children’s ‘world-view’ and relationships throughout life and leave some children with a trigger-happy fear response system. The effect of fear is significant; it can cause physiological responses (increased heart rates, sweating, stomach aches etc…) and children develop defence/coping mechanisms to protect themselves. Often children will respond by withdrawing, having imaginary friends, hiding behind computers or staying in bed. Some may even run away from home or school. Other behaviours are, among others, hyper-vigilance, eating disorders, bed wetting and sleeping disorders. Some children attempt to feel more powerful, by displaying bravado, taking risks, joining gangs or bullying others. In an attempt to feel in control of their environment they may develop compulsive or obsessive behaviours, or escape in fantasy play. These self-help solutions bring temporary relief, but are harmful to children in the long run. Being alone is beneficial to everyone in order to recharge and rejuvenate our creativity, however, when the need to be alone is motivated by a wish to escape, it can result in isolation. Children may begin to avoid challenges and exploration and miss out on experiences that promote healthy development; fear blocks the ability to think and learn.
Be sensitive to your child’s needs. If fear continues to prevent your child from enjoying a full life, in spite of your efforts, it is time to seek professional advice. The earlier problems are tackled, the better the prognosis for your child. Obsessive behaviour and rituals, in particular, need professional interventions and some fears need careful healing to bring lasting relief. If children are not helped it can have long-term effects, delay their development, and threaten their mental health. These can impact severely on their quality of life and that of their loved ones.
The good news is that there are things that can be done to help children and since the brain has the capacity to form new neural connections throughout life, it is never too late to help children or even adults. Art and storytelling are wonderful tools to unlock a child’s inner world. Remember to keep calm, use plenty of humour and encourage every step your child takes in the right direction.
- Help your child understand that his feelings are as important as the feelings of others. Help him understand them and find the right words to express them; this can develop a life-long stress-management system. Tell him that it is very courageous to talk to a grown-up and ask for help in dealing with his fears.
- Teach your child that making mistakes is ok, as it promotes learning and everyone makes mistakes.
- Explain to him that facing difficult situations ‘alone’ is not good, but rather to look for a helpful adult to face these ‘together’. This adult can help the child talk to another frightening adult and help him express what is frightening him and how that can be changed. Use phrases such as “…(name)… When you do …(shout/frown etc…), I feel …(emotion word)… I would like you to …(speak softer/calm down etc.)…” The important thing in helping your child is to move him from a feeling of powerlessness to a feeling of empowerment. Your child has the right to defend himself against being frightened and intimidated; help him to say ‘NO’ or ‘STOP’. Help him to do so by teaching him how to assert himself. Assertion is not the same as aggression. Assertiveness is not about giving in to blind rage but standing up against injustice and setting clear boundaries without putting other people down and infringing their rights.
- Find an area (no matter how small) where your child feels in control and not frightened. He may be good at maths or reading. Or he may excel at sports or craft. If so, use these to help your child feel empowered.
Protect your child against abuse: Some adults explode when confronted; your child needs help with these adults.
Using imagery in a fun way can be very effective. The power of imagination cannot be over-emphasised. It allows children to rehearse possible solutions in their mind, fine-tune them, discard some and expand on others.
- Tell your child to imagine his ‘FEAR MONSTER’, let your child draw it or use play-dough.
- Make as many monsters as possible (the scarier the better), then explore what your child would like to do to these. (Scribble over them, paint their mouth or eyes closed, smash play-dough monsters, rip them up etc.) This can be very empowering to fearful children. Ask your child if any monster reminds them of something or someone frightening, let him draw a friendly monster that he can befriend and ask to help him with frightening things.
- Let your child draw a frightened self and a non-frightened self, explore the differences or ask him to draw his nightmare and show how it ended and draw it again with a better ending.
With the help of these fun activities, you can do much to help your child, remember that you are his strongest supporter. You can do much to empower your child, so that he does not need to be controlled by his fears, but can become confident and tackle life joyfully.
For ease of reading, all instances of he/his/him should be interpreted as meaning any gender.
by Sylvia Milford