When children become bullies, parents are often at a loss on how to manage this challenging behaviour. Understanding why children resort to bullying tactics can be useful in helping children conquer what I call the “Bully Monster”, that is the monster that drives a child to frighten and hurt other children.
Being a child often means being powerless in a world that can appear very threatening. When children are deeply hurt they close up to protect themselves from emotional pain and they develop defence mechanisms. They put a tough shield around their hearts because not caring/feeling is easier than caring/feeling too much. Unfortunately by keeping out all feeling, they also keep out the good feelings that make life so much more rewarding. These children are difficult to be with, and even the most well-meaning start looking for warmer places to be. Often these children bring out negative responses in others and are met with disapproval, reprimand and punishment. This only serves to reinforce their need to “not care” / get “tougher”, thus withdrawing increasingly into a place where they become unreachable. Parents and teachers begin to despair on how to connect with these children. Children who close their hearts are desperately hurt and do not know how to ask for the help they so desperately need.
There are many reasons why children feel the need to protect themselves against unmanageable emotional pain, and it is difficult to pinpoint the exact reason. Often they feel that their emotional needs are not met or that they are unworthy of love. It does not actually matter whether the reasons are real or perceived; the child feels the pain in the same way and it is very real to him. Shame is a significant attack on a child’s developing sense of self and often adults are not even aware that the child experienced a situation as shaming or humiliating. In our culture we often focus on ‘toughening’ children up, particularly boys, long before they are emotionally ready. Where there are too many power or control based interactions children do not feel safe to express feelings, they fear being seen as weak and vulnerable.
Frequently children who bully have once felt so deeply hurt by their own unanswered emotional needs that they cannot bear to see need in others. By re-enacting their own experiences of being shamed, punished or treated insensitively they experience some relief. Attacking the person who caused the hurt, can result in being loved even less, therefore it is easier and safer to attack someone weaker. Having the power to hurt others can be very liberating after having felt helpless and can act like a drug. Our basic human need to have an effect on another is so strong, that we prefer to have some impact (even if it is negative) than none at all. Our self-esteem is based on knowing that we are somebody rather than nobody. Children who bully often feel that if they cannot evoke positive feelings they can at least evoke negative ones (even if it is fear or hate).
The good news is that due to the ability of our brain to learn new ways of responding right throughout our lives, it is never too late to help children who have closed their heart. Bullying is about having power, power over someone. When children are helped to experience power “with” someone, rather than over another, they can begin to experience the joy of togetherness, relating and sharing. In day to day life, rushing to get everything done, we often fall into a pattern of issuing directions and disapproving when things go wrong. However, when we focus on praising children rather than criticising bad behaviour and show real interest in everything they do, no matter how trivial it seems to us, we can break the defences that children have developed and conquer the “Bully Monster”.
Always be sure that you separate the child from his behaviour; he is not what he acts out to be. The task is to reach the child below his self-protective shell! When bullies are with someone they trust, they can think and understand why they have become bullies, this is very empowering and they begin to see themselves as not just a monster, but as someone who has a lot to give.
Here are some ideas that you could convey to your child:
- It is not brave to have no feelings and never cry; it is brave to feel even if you may be hurt. You could use the example of a discoverer venturing into difficult, scary places rather than staying on safe ground.
- Something bad may have happened to you at some time, and you may have started to act out, however this can get you into trouble and spoil your life.
- Many children are unaware of how they are perceived by others. By gently showing them, perhaps with the use of action figures or puppets, children can visualise different ways of relating. Play out scenarios with your child in which children are having fun (going out together, camping, hiking, making a sandcastle etc…) as well as in which they are not having fun and their play has been disrupted by fighting.
- With the use of art and stories children can experiment with their feeling and try out a variety of scenarios, solutions and endings. Avoid questions, children cannot verbalise answers easily. Here are some ideas to enable your child to explore his feelings and develop more self-awareness (these should be done in many sessions, always stop before the child tires and closes up):
- Tell your child a story about a cactus (or a rose bush), how the thorns protect the most precious parts but also keep out the good experiences. Use drawings, modelling in clay / play dough, puppets or action figures to play out various scenarios your cactus has encountered.
- Let your child draw or model a monster, let him add tendrils, barbs etc… Encourage your child to gently break through these defences to find the real, hurt, frightened being behind them.
- Draw a shield/armour to show how you protect yourself from being hurt. Now draw another one showing what others do, or how else you could protect yourself. Gently explore with your child the following: what is good/bad about each protection? What would happen if you took the armour off, what would be good/bad about it? Who can see the real you behind the armour? Who only sees the tough you and thinks that this is all you are? Is there someone you feel safe enough with that you don’t need to use the armour?
- Talk about or read a story about power, (fairy tales are full of them). Draw a picture about bad power, draw one about good power. (E.g. Darth Vader vs. Superman).
At all times show your child sympathy and understanding of why he felt he needs his strong defences, (approve his expression of feelings, but not necessarily his way of dealing with them). Above all give your child time and space, his defences have developed over a long period of time and it will take time for him to learn new ways to handle his strong feelings. You cannot break his defences for him, but they will begin to crumble once he has been shown consistent understanding. Children are resilient and with the help of the above ideas, you can help repair a child’s broken heart and discover the joys of loving and living.
For ease of reading all instances of he/his/him should be interpreted as meaning any gender.
by Sylvia Milford