The sense of touch is arguably the most important of all our senses. It is the first to develop and the last we lose. Research has shown that touch-deprived infants fail to develop, their immune system is compromised and they may even die. Adults too, seek intimate physical contact and our need for touch strongly influences our behaviours.
However, touch is little understood, seldom discussed and often misused which has serious repercussions on mental health. The legal system has seen fit to legislate the use of touch in order to protect children, to such an extent that people in contact with children have become afraid of lawsuits and avoid touching children altogether. The result is a confused society where teachers, friends, relatives etc… are afraid to show affection in the conventional way, leaving children lacking in hugs, kisses, a backrub or a natural caress.
Neuroscience has shown us that our development is largely dependent on hormone productions and too many stress hormones can leave us dull and joyless. However, physical contact releases hormones which protects our nerves from damage and supports brain growth and emotional well-being.
Connecting or Severing Touch
Children need to be “seen”; they need to know that we are aware of them, we value who they are, love being in their company, understand them and will always be there for them no matter what. Long before they understand language, a child’s first experience of being ‘seen’ is through touch. We need to connect with our children when we touch them, touch their hearts and provide a healing balm that will make them resilient in the face of life’s storms. This is what I call “connecting touch”; it is the most critical element in establishing a strong caregiver-infant bond.
Although touch has incredible healing and connecting power, it also has the power to hurt, shame, destroy and disconnect. I call this ‘severing touch’, as it separates the recipient from the one doing the touching. Children who have been not been touched enough, in order to become ‘tough’ or those handled roughly or in anger, have learned that their bodies are of little worth and they are at risk of becoming abusive (of others and themselves). They often have a poor self-esteem which puts them at risk of maladaptive coping mechanisms (such as self-hate, self-harm or eating disorders), numbing (such as becoming emotionally detached) or drowning their feelings (in substance abuse). Sometimes they ‘let out’ their feelings on others, resorting to bullying behaviours. Others become extremely driven in order to “show them”. They perceive themselves as unworthy of affection and strive for excellence in order to be appreciated. In other words, “severing touch” can deprive someone of the joy of life and meaningful relationships.
Children need a person who they can connect with through using touch in a rewarding manner. This means that one must be ‘tuned’ into the child, understand what touch he enjoys and what he tries to avoid. Carefully watching non-verbal cues allows you use “connecting touch”, however, this is only possible if the child wants to be touched, in other words if he has pleasant memories of previously being touched and he trusts the person touching him. Therefore, never force touch on a child who is not ready; begin by getting him to accept non-threatening contact (e.g. high 5’s, a pat on the back, a hand on his shoulder etc…). Breaking down barriers in a child reluctant to be touched requires patience and understanding, however, do not give up on trying to connect.
There are many ways in which you can touch your child. Of course the most common way parents connect with their children is trough hugs and kisses. Try and make your hugs firm and last for at least 3 seconds, (try it out with your partner or other people to see how you feel when hugged for this length of time). A quick hug is ok, at the beginning, but the connection is stronger when hugging your child ‘thoroughly’. However, never extend the hug to the point where the child feels restrained or constricted.
Hugging is not the only way to connect to your child, you can use “connecting touch” whenever you take care of your child, brush his hair lovingly, rub creams on his body in a soothing, caring way, put your arm on his shoulder or rub his hair. Try out as many ways you can think of, that will not be perceived as invasive to your child. Remember, touch your child with your eyes: when he speaks to you, stop what you are doing, turn your body to face him, and really listen. He needs to feel you listened first before you can set boundaries or disagree.
A Word of Caution
Be aware: remember touch can be experienced as severing; here are a few pointers to help prevent that:
Rough and tumble games are fun and a healthy way to connect with others, however, they can get out of hand, they can shift the balance of power, and children can feel threatened by loss of control. Always remember that touch in any form must be used to build relationships, connect us and never sever.
Tickling is a common way in which we interact with children, however, despite our good intention; tickling can “hurt” a child significantly. Tickling causes uncontrollable laughter, giving the impression that the child is enjoying the game; however, children can easily get overwhelmed, feel helpless and overpowered. Carefully watch your child when tickling, give him frequent breaks so he can say “stop” or “enough” and wait for the child to ask for “more” before carrying on. Don’t use tickling as a distraction, it disempowers a child. Remember laughter does not necessarily mean consent; tickling should be fun for both parties and only one of many ways in which you connect with your child.
People differ vastly in how they interpret sensory input (stimulation received through our senses). Some children are more sensitive than others and what appears as harmless to most of us is experienced as dangerous, frightening or overwhelming. When touching children we need to be aware of the individual difference in how each of us responds to tactile stimulation. Therefore it is vital that you carefully monitor your child’s responses and adjust your touch to be a pleasurable experience perceived as ‘safe’ by your child.
Safe Touch
There are many ways in which you can use “connecting touch” with your child. For instance, blowing raspberries all over his body, nibbling his fingers, riding on your back, playing catch and giving a big hug whenever you catch your child…. Always let your child lead the play and be in control. If you are ‘tuned” in to your child you will notice when he becomes overwhelmed, in which case stop immediately, have a drink together and read a story together.
Physical play is a wonderful way of connecting with your child, as long as he initiates or enjoys the play. With older children, especially boys, as they grow up they may get embarrassed by being seen hugging or touching. This is the time to find a way to connect that is acceptable to your child as he enters his teens (e.g., ruffle his hair, a friendly hand on his shoulder or a light slap on his back…), but remember touch is important at all ages, we never outgrow the need to connect physically with our loved ones.
Conclusion
Children love to be close to their parent;, they need the contact and our guidance to connect effectively with us. Be playfully persistent if you need to overcome barriers, and build your child’s trust through your interactions. Touch is by far the most powerful way in which we relate to others. It has the power to connect us or sever us from the world and others. As parents we are given the great gift of reaching our children through touch while at the same time teaching them to connect to others effectively. This opens the barriers of communications, builds trust, connects us to others and provides us with the resilience we need to face life’s challenges.
For ease of reading, all instances of he/his/him should be interpreted as meaning any gender.
by Catherine Milford